How to get what you deserve

You file your business, you put up your shingle, you steel yourself up, and you are ready to get things going. The phone lines are on, the website is up, and the doors are open. Silence. Growing louder and louder. The bills grow heavier and heavier. You make a few deals with the devil. You slash some prices, you put up the ads as more costs pile up, and you make some deals. Maybe you bend a little on your craft, you squeeze a little on your wallet, or you give up a little more of yourself to get things going.

The trickle starts to flow. If you chart your path right, it keeps coming and growing, but maybe not the way you want. You don’t rest enough. You don’t have the peace of mind you expected. You’re away from home one day more than you like. The ends meet, but you’re pulling a little too hard to keep them together. They’re not getting it. They don’t see you or realize what you can do. They don’t know how incredible you really are. And maybe you are. Maybe you’re not. Who knows? How does anyone know? But if you’re not quite getting where you want to go, maybe the problems aren’t what you’re producing. Maybe they’re how you’re connecting.

Mine. Mine. Mine.

Three little words. Not even that, really. Just one repeated in triplicate. A primal scream? A sign of the times? For as long as I’ve known, the question “What’s in it for me?” has been the anchor cast into the sea of commerce we all live in. We worry about staking our claims, making our mark, and navigating our way through the treachery unscathed, but as our new digital lives open the world around us, the walls that remain are really those of our fears. Fears of not getting enough. Of giving too much. Of losing control. Of violation. Of trust and leaps of faith.

I was recently asked how brides can get a good deal with photographers by a large bridal publication. I went through the usual litany of answers. Off-peak days, fewer hours, less processing. Any possibility that would cut down on costs and labor. But as I thought about it, I realized the answer was really much simpler than that. You just need to have a good, honest, human conversation. Not a seller/buyer conversation. That’s barely a talk – more a pitch and a prelude to negotiation. I’m talking about a real conversation, finding common ground. Without that, deal or not, it will not be a good one.

Doc Searls, co-author of the Cluetrain Manifesto and editor of the Linux Journal, relates an encounter with a Nigerian Pastor named Sayo on this point:

“Pretend this is a garment”, Sayo said, picking up one of those blue airplane pillows. “Let’s say you see it for sale in a public market in my country, and you are interested in buying it. What is your first question to the seller?”

“What does it cost?” I said.

“Yes”, he answered. “You would ask that. Let’s say he says, ‘Fifty dollars’. What happens next?”

“If I want the garment, I bargain with him until we reach an agreeable price.”

“Good. Now let’s say you know something about textiles. And the two of you get into a long conversation where both of you learn much from each other. You learn about the origin of the garment, the yarn used, the dyes, the name of the artist, and so on. He learns about how fabric is made in your country, how distribution works, and so on. In the course of this you get to know each other. What happens to the price?”

“Maybe I want to pay him more and he wants to charge me less”.

“Yes. And why is that?”

“I’m not sure.”

“You now have a relationship.”

Mine, mine, mine is never the start of a relationship, nor should it be the end. Relationships are built when we give of ourselves. They happen we let go of the fears and make ourselves vulnerable. If we wall ourselves off with scar tissue grown over thick until we are impregnable fortresses, we are disconnected. We lose sensation. We cannot connect with others. Business is not powered by the boilerplate terms and conditions of the contract. Business is built on the trust and hope of a real connection. An exchange of mutual value. In other words, business thrives not in the getting but the giving.

A gimmick is a one-off trick to try to get some attention. A belief, on the other hand, is a gimmick powered by principle. It’s not in the trick that we create actual value. It is in the commitment to the principle. This is why it is so hard to copy success. We can always steal the gimmicks, but we can never steal the principles behind them.

If at one time, none of this mattered – and I really don’t think that was ever true – today, it certainly matters more. We are inundated with constant interruption. Beautiful design, catchy slogans, fancy graphics. Discounts here, saving there, and every chance possible not to miss out on things you can’t afford to miss out on. We are numb. Who really needs to hear another catchy phrase about empowerment, timelessness, beauty or need? Who even notices?

As consumers (an awful word in and of itself), we don’t latch onto others. We latch onto the things that make us feel good about being ourselves. Things that let us be who we want to be. That show others care. Things that make us feel valued. We don’t love iPhones because Apple is capable. We love them because they are part of our everyday lives. Because they let us be fuller versions of us. And the stories we tell are not the stories of the products and services that were amazing. They are about the products and services that made us feel amazing.

I found this story in The Referral Engine by John Jantsch:

When the founder of FreshBooks, Mike McDerment, blogs, he mixes in personal comments with business. One time, he mentioned a love of Triscuits specifically, leading to the following good-humored reply from Jonathan in Fiji: “I am right now dying to try cracked pepper and olive Triscuits. I am seriously considering cancelling my FreshBooks account because of this irresponsible posting. Have a heart—Jonathan.”

Mike bought and sent some Triscuits to Jonathan in Fiji. That would have been that, but Jonathan then blogged about the experience, leading to a firestorm of buzz for Freshbooks.

The message is simple. It is when you put others over yourself that you will be valued. The stories are endless, though equally rare in the everyday: A Dominos apology placed on YouTube, followed up by an in-person pizza delivery by the manager. A Ritz-Carlton in Bali that flew in specialized eggs and milk on its own accord for a child with food allergies from Singapore. How do you think they turned out for the businesses? Acts that treat people as such are the foundation for amazing stories.

The old economy is dead. Forget about distribution and reach. Forget ads. Even message and brand becomes impotent without action. This is a time where we are more connected than ever and more in need of connection, as well. It is an opportunity for those willing to open themselves up and be true. It is a time that will reward those who take risks. Don’t think about what you deserve. Think about what others deserve. If you want to be remarkable, all you need to do is flip the switch. Let go of mine, mine, mine and embrace yours, yours, yours.